Another day has passed..

Geesh, I hope no one reads my blog, because it isn't suppose to "go to public".

Another terrible day.

Don't ask why.

I know I whine a lot.

But that's just the way I behave when I am stressed up.

Forgive me God, for not trusting you completely. Forgive me for being weak.

Why can't I heal after so long? Why am I hurting? Why am I becoming worse?

I hate to count cars.

I need to stop counting the cars.

I wish I could go away to somewhere far, somewhere I would not bump into close friends.

I wish to see the hills, the meadows.

I want to visit koko in USA. I want to experience different things.

I really need a break.

I need to find new inspiration to motivate me, to progress further.

I need to, even if I am not ready yet.

It's time to move on, Joanne. Please take yourself out from sadness. What's the point of making yourself looking like a dumb ass?

Get out.

Forget.

Let it go.

Late At Night

Wow, it has been ages since i last maintain my blog.

It's almost 5am in the morning, and I am still not sleeping. Roommate is chatting with a US friend I believe, not too sure about it. Anyway, while waiting for her, I am gonna write up something here.

It's night time.

And it's the time whereby thoughts and memories come to me without a sign or warning.

I can't help wandering off...deep in thoughts. Memories of the past kept haunting me, sweetly haunting me. Sometimes, I really hope I can live in the past, everything which had happened was just a dream. But is that even possible? I doubt it.

To be honest to myself, I still love him so much. I could not wave off this strong feeling. Can I keep my promise 2 months later? Will I be brave enough to let go of my hands and give him full freedom? Is it ever possible?

My heart aches everytime when he is near me. I wanted to hold him close to me, but I cant. I keep telling myself that I can get through these all alone, I am tough, I am strong, and I have grown up. But I guess I am just consoling myself. Sweet lies. *sigh*

A song for myself, when I am feeling down :

Why does the sun go on shining
Why does the sea rush to shore
Don't they know, it's the end of the world
It ended when I lost your love

I woke up in the morning and I wonder
why everything is the same as it was
I cant understand, no I cant understand
How life goes on the way it does

Why does the bird go on singing
Why do the stars shine above
Don't they know it's the end of the world
It ended when you say Goodbye................

Geesh, I feel so down at the moment. How I wish I can get a hug from him. But It's not possible. Never possible anymore.

Life moves on I guess.

It sure does move on.

It's already 1am now, but I am not tired...

Hmmm, I have been hanging out with the guys so much lately. LOL. They are just so cute.

My housemates, 7 guys, they are so unique...somewhat different from the rest. Naive, yet so mature in a way...haha. Among them, I still prefer polar bear and totoro. Oh! By the way, we gave all of them a name! Hehehe! That's to make talking easier XD

I shall be taking my stuff from Jee Yee tomorrow from Kelana Jaya LRT station. Leaving Melati LRT station at about 9am I guess. Not so sure, depends on what time I sleep. OMG..they are going for supper again.....*yawn* I am so tired actually. If not for totoro.

I called pig up the other day, asking him to go out for dinner the other night. but sad to say, he rejected me...because he wanted to go out with his friend to buy stuff. I felt so empty.

Should I go out? hmmm.

Blogging After So Long

Well, suddenly, I feel like blogging once again. It has been a while since I wrote something here.

I feel empty, that's why.

Far away from home, in another state, I am staying inside my room, with my pathetic laptop. Just finished watching "LOTR - The Two Towers (Extended Ver)". Was quite an inspiring movie.

While watching, many things crossed my mind. I wasn't fully into the movie, instead, I was thinking about life.

I noticed that -- pressure comes haunting us when we don't set our priorities right. Many a times, I have failed to set my pace right. Procrastination leads to failure. Avoiding to take action makes things worse.

I have been lazy and didn't work for my forum lately. A guilty feeling lingers in the air, making me so uncomfortable. I know I should not delay further, but somehow, I lost control of myself again. AGAIN. This is not the first time.

I want to be tough, to have high EQ. It's really challenging. However, I won't give up. Being emotionally stable is one of my goals within these two years. And I know I would be able to achieve it.

I fear what lies ahead of me. I fear the unknown. Uncertainties. I believe others feel the same too. Some could cope with it, some could not. AFA is a challenging course. Since I have chosen my path, I should ride ahead, no turning back. I shall not take any faltering steps backwards. I am a lone fighter, remember? I shall always be. No one will be able to help you unless you help yourself.

I am still trying to adapt to the changes (of environment). It may be hard in the beginning, but there's no doubt that I could not fit into the new environment. I have confidence in everything.

My heart is troubled with the thoughts of Zhi Zhong. I missed him a lot. He's been pretty busy lately and I don't want to disturb him. Could I resist the urge of wanting to contact him? to talk to him? Would we have a happy ending? Or will I be in pain for the next two years?

I guess it's time for me to return to my religion. Long have I let go my beliefs, my faith in the religion. What have I done? Why is my path so blurry? Oh God, forgive me, I have sinned since I strayed from the path of righteousness. Begging for forgiveness isn't enough to wash away the sins I have committed.

Dear God, is it possible to restore the strength I used to possess last time?

I wonder....

A Moment to Breathe ~

Just came home from college ^^

Student leader training had started on Wednesday! It will be a 3 day training, commencing on the 16th of May till 18th of May (Wed to Fri). All successful applicants (for student leaders) are compulsory to join this camp.

First day of the training was bad. I arrived at college at about 8. 20am. The activities started at around 9am. It was a bad start. Wilson could not handle the crowd. The student leaders are/were overpowering. Wilson raised his voice, but the student leaders were not bothered. Poor Wilson! Mr Chew, advisor for this training, kept shaking his head side ways. It was a total disaster.

The ice breaking session was not too sucessful too. Some of the committee members said that the student leaders did not understand the purpose of letting them play ice breaking games -- which was to expose them to various types of ice breaking techniques, so they can use in Orientation next week. Some said Leo, our SOT course marshal was too soft spoken.

After lunch, we continued with our team building activities -- before that, those who arrived late were scolded pretty badly by Mr. Chew -- he is famous for his "sacastic remarks". Come to think about it, I do not really like Mr. Chew. He is a bit too open -- tell people off in front of the public. Biggest victim -- Poor Wilson!

We, the Orientation Committee were all chased out from the hall/function room -- Mr. Chew wanted to have a private word with the student leaders. Gosh! We were abandoned outside the hall for like...30-40 mins! I showed John, the MC for Orientation my work--Lone fighter. Wow! I need to say that he's really a good actor! He acted out my "script" so..dramatically! Jordan joined in this..insanity! It was outrageous! lol! Jordan said I should have put in some "back to the future" elements. haha! He has a good sense of humour -- that I should draw out my mighty sword, together with characters of the story, publish them as comics, make sure Steven Spielberg directs the movie >.< Jordan asked me to send him such stories next time. Will there be next time? haha.

That night, we went to the coffee shop opposite my secondary school for dinner. Four tables side by side, I could say we were the center of attention. We talked, we laughed, we enjoyed ourselves-- Remy, Kok Loong, Joo Sim, her boyfriend, John, Leo, Vincent, Wilson, Wei Hong Jordan, Yean Ling, See Fouw, Chee Kheng, Wen Khang....Wei Hong, Yean Ling and I adjourned to Pulau Tikus market for some desert after dropping poor Wilson home (he was really worn out, but had to prepare stuff for training next day). Took "Bu Bu Cha Cha" , yean ling took ice kacang. Chatted about the committee, rated the training of the day...well, our conclusion was --a bad start. Mr Chew would just jump in and stop the facilitators from conducting the activity ( maybe because we were too lousy).

Added on nighmare --> to find a cockroach on the wall when I was bathing late at night. You could let your imagination run wild -- picture my horrified looks, how I sweated profusely, how I took the broom and stared at the cockroach for 15 mins without moving. It was the worst encounter -- I had no one to turn to, I was all on my own. Haih! So bad! Aunty Amy and Uncle Nick had gone to bed, no one was downstairs. My mom, whom I have smsed to and told her my situation, asked me to just hit the damn cockroach, since it's harmless. She gave me a cold reply though, perhaps she was in a haste to sleep.

Hey! This is a type of PHOBIA !!! Can no one understand ?!! Haih! Sigh to the end! you know what I did in the end? I rolled my eyes, gave a deep sigh, walked out of the bathroom, ledged the door and kept the broom. Pathetic! I am such a coward! I did not kill the "harmful creature" like mom said. Oh LoRd! GOD knows I was so freaked out! I used the floor mat to cover the tiny door gap below. Prayed really hard, wished that the stupid roach would disappear!

Woke up 10 mins earlier than planned, "inspected" the bathroom -- Guess what! GOD answered my prayers. Cockroach! Gone with the wind! into the toilet bowl I think! hohoho! I felt like greeting everyone "Merry Christmas!"..so happy! thank you once again, LoRd!!!! I am so thankful! I believe in the miracles God can perform. Thank you, Jesus.

Second day, a better day I could say. Wilson was firmer this time. He made his stand, voiced his determination, silence means silence. He somehow made an agreement with the student leaders--which was a good thing ^^ We are better in controling the crowd now, unlike the first day--chaotic.

Had telematch earlier on. The word for the day was -- SOAKED. I was wet from head to toe. Water balloons, buckets of water -- how could you not get wet? It was impossible.haha! It was fun, to be splashed with pipe water....and soup water! Ewwe!! It did not taste good >.< At the end of the day, no one was....dry (for those involved in Telematch), except those who were good at avoiding. hohoh! You'll be dead next time!! Hahahah! I swear I'll get my hands on you and finish you off!

Dinner at hawker centre near Island Plaza -- together with Jordan & Co, KokLoong & gang. Took Ee Foo Mee again of course! Mom and dad came to pick me up at Island Plaza at about 9. 10pm -- The others gone for snooker, some went home. I believe dad enjoyed his trip to China..and mom will enjoy hers too. As for me, well, I trust that I will have fun during Orientation Week!!

Lone Fighter

I'm a survivor.

I'm a warrior.

I'm a fighter.

Standing near the cliff’s edge, I can feel the raging sea below, roaring waves come crashing against the shore, as if his hand outstretched, beckoning me to come forward, tempts me to walk a step forward into his arms.

The earth is blanketed with total darkness. An overpowering stench of rotting flesh hangs in the air. I shoot a distant stare at those lifeless bodies scattered across the land. Flies come in swarm, covering the corpses; vultures devour the cadavers, enjoying their biggest feast of the century. My comrades, lay motionless on the battle ground, I can tell by looking at their dead white faces, horror-struck eyes, that death takes them by surprise. A sarcastic smile runs across my lips. I wonder, will I join them for the feast in hell tonight? Or can I resist the continuous invitation from my allies?

Callous, you might call me, for this is the truth, I’m unaffected by the smell of rotten flesh or the view of brutally distorted figures.

A gush of icy cold sea breeze wakes me up from this trance. I know I am alone. There’s no where to hide. I cannot escape.

The enemies are closing in. A few paces backwards will be the edge of the cliff. Should I take faltering steps backwards – the ocean will send me all the way to hell. Everything I have ever owned will be lost forever – dignity, pride and honour – history shall not remember me.

I wish I have the ability to freeze time. I will sacrifice my every breath to stop the unforgiving seconds from trickling down the tiny opening of the hour glass. I know, it will be— eternity — if time pauses in mid air. Can I then use the time to redeem what’s lost?

Ironically, I can hear the ticking of the clock so vividly. Every tick is amplified by the mind, loud enough to remind me the every second I have wasted.

I close my eyes. As if it is an answer from God to my final prayers-- the actions I have taken in the past flash across my mind in slow motion. They are clear images, I should say, as though freshly imprinted in my soul. Laughter and giggles, memories from the younger days keep ringing in my head, as if they are yesterday’s.

I slowly open my eyes. I give the surrounding an emotionless gaze. The enemies are like tiny ants, countless, flooding the land which was once a green pasture. I hear nothing but my own deep breathing. My sword...the one that accompanied me through all the battles, which once brought me endless honours and glories, though stained with the enemies’ blood, could still gleam in the dark. But not this time. This war, a shameful war indeed, has wiped out the faintest glimmer from my blade. The greatest disgrace our nation will need to bear.

It is time. The moment I lift my double-edged sword, I have decided my own fate. Casting a bloodthirsty smile at my blade, my coward foes stagger a little at the sight of this magnificent sword which had ended the life of many. Sparks of admiration appear in their eyes, as much as the hatred burning in them, just like how Gollum loved and hated the Dark Lord’s ring.

My sword is hungry, so are theirs. With a silent roar, I surge forward, making a bloody path out from my enemies. Waving my sword in vain; one hard slash, the enemy’s weapon breaks off – together with his head. Warm blood splatters on my face, my dry lips. The taste of enemy’s blood is indeed satisfying.

When the enemy’s fighter lurches forward into my fighting zone, his eyes are filled with hunger, I can imagine how my enemy will rip my flesh into shreds, gobble them down like a glutton, and wipe his mouth with satisfaction after the last bite. I know how much they hate me, for the innumerous lives I have taken from them.

The enemies continuously pounce on me, swinging their weapons in all directions, taking no aim at all. Brandishing my sword from side to side, I take a short moment to wonder, how can the enemy look down upon us and send such incompetent fighters against us? It is a great insult to our warriors, who will choose to fight only the mighty ones, while the weak attack us from behind. As I have said, this is a shameful battle, by sending the weak and unprepared to the war, the enemy has humiliated us deeply.

I think it will be an effortless attempt to wipe this crowd out. When I raise my sword , I swear that I saw fear running down their spine. Even the bravest person on earth will quiver at the sight of death. Far above, a silver stream of light from heaven shines down upon us. The angel of death throws us a bitter look, his face covered with tears; for every drop of tear he sheds is accusing us of how foolish we are; the ancient hymn he hummed beneath his breath floats in the air, it is so melancholy that seems all of us would drop our weapons, kneel down and ask for forgiveness. At that very moment, I can see the weak murmuring their final prayers. They know that their time has arrived. The sharp edge of my blade pierces deep down into their hearts, followed by a powerful and merciless withdrawal of the blade from their bodies. No time to utter their last words, my enemies drop dead.

I know, people tell me I’m a survivor. They know me as a fearless fighter.

The enemies swoop down on me like eagles. One against many. I know I am strong. I know I am a mighty warrior. But even the strongest person will falter; will start to doubt his abilities when he is worn out. One after another, they keep on appearing. A life lost does not mean anything to the enemy. They’re like the walking dead -- Zombies, blood oozing out from their heads, marching towards you from every corner.

This war has been for days. Nothing to nourish my soul. The tiniest motivation left in me has completely diminished after my last comrade draws his final breath.

My hands are starting to feel numb, the sword seems to weigh heavier after each wave ; my eye lids are heavy, putting my judgement and accuracy to test; my legs are getting tired, I act as if I’m a drunken stagger.

Satan is tolling the death bell himself…slow and steady… ding dang dong .

His mocking laughter echoes in the air; a chill ran across my skin when he casts me a ghostly look. I know he is silently scorning at my foolish behaviour.

He knows, for the lives I have taken, it’s impossible for me to buy my way back to heaven. I’m an outcast. God has long cancelled out my name from the list.

On the other hand, the gates in hell welcome me with big arms; the flames in hell are burning fiercely, eagerly waiting for my arrival; The devils beat the drums repeatedly in unison, thump…thump…thump…waiting to announce my homecoming. I scoff at this illusion. Then again, why should I deprive them of their happiness? I find perfectly no reason to reject their invitation!

My enemies are closing in once more. Forced to take a few faltering steps backwards, there I am once again, standing near the cliff’s edge. I can feel the raging sea below, roaring waves come crashing against the shore, as if his hands outstretched, beckoning me to come forward, tempt me to walk a step forward into his arms; and this time, I am completely beguiled by this sinless lure. I rather feed the dead than to let those alive feed on me. I close my eyes and murmur softly. How will this end?

Hey, you know me, I am a survivor.

My comrades will respect me as a warrior.

And I believe, even if I do not fight to the end, history will now and always remember me as a lone fighter.

----- END -----

Queensbay Mall with Liz

Wow! wanted to write this post yesterday...but..you know..hehe..

Oh wee! Went to Queensbay mall with Liz yesterday ~Aww...how much I miss her...She returned from UTAR (University Tunku Abdul Rahman) a few days back, unfortunately, we did not have an opportunity to meet up till yesterday ~ Hehe!!

Hungry! A visit to Sushi King, the house full of sushi !!!!!! Initially, we wanted to order set meals, but on second thought, we decided to eat from the revolving belt..hehe! Yummy...both of us love sashimi (which is just slices of raw salmon) or rather "sake" (which is a thin piece of salmon on top of the shari or sushi meshi -- sushi rice), we ordered two plates of sake -- pathetically only two pieces on each plate >.<





The first picture on top left is Sakana Fry -- deep fried fish fillet. **I used to eat that in Dim Sum house, and it only cost me RM3 for one big piece.** Paying the same price at Sushi King, I will only get one/few tiny piece(s).

The 2nd picture, top right -- Golden Balls -- deep fried egg & crabstick mayonnaise. We took this yesterday. It was delicious actually. hehe! But, it's so Dim Sum style too :P

The last picture -- Chigiri Age -- deep fried fish cake !! Liz and me, we both called it "Sushi King cucuk sayur"! Duh! I could get the same thing from the market place for less than RM1!!! and here in Sushi King, it's RM4 per plate ( 5 miserable pieces!!) ~ I guess I'm the only silly person who took this plate >0<



Known as-- Sake Mayo -- Salmon mayonnaise. Not too bad. On the beige plate - RM3. I didn't take them in Sushi King yesterday. Tasted my first Sake Mayo in Tesco -- Sushi section at RM1 per piece. lol ~


Tuna-Mayo or Tuna Mayonnaise -- simple and delicious. RM3 per plate too ~ First took it in Tesco at RM1 per piece ...Hehe! Nothing special -- but I will recommend it to those people who dare not eat anything raw ><



This is the BEST of course !!!! Sake or rather known as fresh salmon. **drooling** Dip in Japanese light soy sauce with some wasabe...Hmm...life's never better :P RM4 per plate ~





Introducing -- Ebikko -- Fish roe. Shari wrapped with sushi seaweed, topped with fish roe! Eat it if you dare! Simply appetizing! RM4 per plate ~





Took this yesterday -- California Maki -- Crabstick, egg, cucumber, fish roe -- nice to eat, but nothing special about it. RM4 per plate.





On the purple plate -- RM6 -- Unagi or grilled eel. Liz recommended ~ I like the taste. No fishy smell or anything ~ It's cooked, so don't worry :P



Ting!! It was time to pay the bill !! Hmm....1 blue plate (RM2 each), 6 pink plates (@RM4) and 1 purple plate (@RM6) -- which would be the grilled eel -- plus government tax..all in all, RM36.80 ~ hoho! Not for kids to pay! :P

Still have room for more! Along the way, we went to Kenny Rogers and bought some muffins! Liz paid the bill -- we got 2 bananas and 1 chocolate flavoured muffs -- thanks Lizzy! Muaks!

Grabbed our 2.30p.m movie tickets. RM5 each, I paid for Liz's ticket ~ Adjourned to Borders book store ^^ On the way down, we were "struggling" whether to get a cup of freshly brewed coffee from Starbucks (which is located inside Borders) or not. You know, I'm a "Java Chip" addict >.< Our final decision was -- let GOD decide!! If we manage to get a nice seat by the window, overlooking the seaside, we'll ....you know, proceed with our "plan".

OH! God was with us that day !! We found a perfect spot !! Means, coffee was within reach !!!! The coffee's aroma led us all the way to the counter -- Liz ordered a cup of raspberry frappuchino (ice blended tea) and as for me, you should know it !!!


Ta-daaaaaaa !!!!!!!






Look at that ! What a beautiful sight !! Isn't that awesome!! superb? wonderful? satisfying? appealing? luring??OHHhh !! Java Chip Frappuccino Blended Coffee -- Coffee, chocolate and chocolate chips blended with ice, topped with whipped cream and chocolate drizzle -- ignore the whipped cream, it'll make me look worse x___x --> the coffee was and will be a...fatal attraction!

We spent about 1.5 hours in Starbucks -- enjoying life ~ Like what I've said, life's never better when you're drinking Java Chip Frappo Blended Coff >< !! Woohoo !



Left pic : Younger sis and elder sis ~~ Tall and Venti ~~
Right pic : Liz posing with our drinks




Left pic : Hehehe !! **cheeky smile**
Right pic : Life's never better ~ satisfying~



Like what I've said , our faces tell -- Life's never better when you're drinking Starbucks' coffee/tea

Hop along!! Spiderman is visiting our theatre! ~ Below were the pics taken along the way ~

First and last stop -- Washroom !!! We were crazy enough to snap a few pics outside the wash area >o<



Left pic : I looked hooo-reee--bblleee !!! Ba--aaeeddd lighting !! I'm yeeelll--ooww!
Right pic : Liz looked normal ~





Hehehe! Good lighting! I'm not yellow now~!

Movie started. These were all that I could remember. lol ~

"A man has to put his wife before himself. " -- I love this ridiculous and impossible statement! Wife before himself? I don't believe it ~ That's absurd! We're not the queen! Why should they put us before themselves?but.. I like the feeling though!

Besides that, Aunt May told Peter in the film :

"We’ve all done terrible things to each other, but we have to forgive each other. Or everything we ever were will mean nothing.”

I pondered quite sometime over this short but meaningful statement. I know, to err is human, to forgive is divine. How many of us could forgive and forget? In life, we would say :" Oh! he/she deserves the punishment." Think about it, what rights do we have to say, "he/she DESERVES it." ? What rights do we have to say he deserves what punishment? What rights do we have to end someone's life, saying that," he/she DESERVES to die."??

But at the same time, who is there to stop "evil" from multiplying? **sigh** I'm contemplating the meaning of existence...

A person wrote this in his/her blog --

"All of us had made choices in our lives. For all those that went wrong, there is no longer anything we can do about them, but we can always learn from them so we can make right choices in time to come."

Perfect statement to me ~ I totally agree ~

The 1 hour and 22 minute movie ended at about 5pm~ Sound effect was not too bad ~ To us, the story line was definately better than Spiderman 1 and 2 ~ but a bit ..daffy? weird? ridiculous? how could a meteor hit earth and not being noticed? I mean, it's possible, but, you're just a few feet away from the meteorite??!! I could not accept that part ><


Another round of insanity in the washroom after the movie !!!!!!!!



Left pic : Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all??
Right pic : Pounce on liz! Rawrrr !!!

Shopping time !!! We went to FOS -- freak out store :P -- factory outlet store. Walked around, but nothing met my eye except a girl's hand bag --but it was too costly! Booowhooo..


With Liz inside Freak Out Store... :P

Nicii! We here come !!! Nicii -- a clothes store, selling a variety of clothes, ranging from casual wear to office wear to formal wear. We scouted around for nice clothes -- tried them on for the sake of trying! Have a look!




I loveeeee this one!! workshop kind-of clothing/uniform, lol, I don't know how to explain. I looked kinda cute in it >.< !!




Hmm...just so so. Didn't really like this set >.< The apple green sleeveless shirt together with a white jacket ~ The jacket was a bit too big for me ~

That was it !! Reached home at 6.15pm. I do not wish to talk about what happened when I reached home.